Under Pressure

So, I said I was going to try something new to help me out of my slump.  One problem...  I CAN'T write!!!  I haven't written a single thing in over two weeks!!!  I'm forcing myself to write this right now.  Why you ask?  Well that is an excellent question.  I have been asking myself that for the last two weeks.  But I think I might have finally figured it out.

STRESS!

I have been extremely stressed out in all areas of my life.  I was hoping a vacation from work would have helped but it didn't.  It actually made things worse, go figure. Although it was great getting away from the daily bullshit of my full-time job, instead I got to stay home and deal with the daily bullshit of my kids on summer vacation.  Now don't get me wrong, I love my boys, but my God they can drive a person nuts!  I was starting to think they had turned into vampires due to their reluctency of spending any time in the sunlight!
I had planned to get so much writing done on this vacation.  It started out great but then fizzled fast.  Had an emotional meltdown causing me to lack the motivation to do anything and then after a week of not a single word, I began to panic.  I want this new book done before the end of the year.  Setting a mental deadline was putting pressure on me.  Everyday that I wasn't writing something was another day closer to missing that deadline.  But every time I looked at the netbook I just kept walking past it.  I didn't want to sit in front of it and feel like a failure.
Now I'm back at work and the stress has doubled.  I hate this time of year!  The week before the kids go back to school is always extremely stressful for me.  My babysitters become less available, work becomes crazy and my husband (due to our schedules/jobs) becomes a figment of my imagination.
I'm hoping that now that I have figured out what is causing my problem I can start to fix it.  I was thinking I could take up drinking, but that usually never ends well.  So, any ideas to help me destress are welcome.  Any help I can get to get "back to me."
See what I did there?  I crack myself up!

So what did you think?

So, as some of you know, I received my first bad review last month. I read and reread it trying to figure out what some of the comments actually meant.  Now, I understand that not everyone is going to like my stories or my style of writing and I am perfectly fine with that, but when I saw that she placed my title in the category of "books I just couldn't finish," I was dumbfounded.  I thought, "wow, was my story THAT bad to her that she couldn't even get to the end?  What part did she stop at?  What was the breaking point for her?"  I was driving myself kind of crazy.  My husband and friends were telling me not to let it get to me, that I wasn't going to please everyone.  I know that, I was expecting to get bad reviews, but for some reason seeing it placed in that category REALLY bothered me.  Then I thought about some of the books I have read, or tried to read.  For example, Wicked. Now, a lot of people loved that book and ranted about how great it was.  Well, that was one of the books I put into that dreaded category.  I tried and tried to get through that book but I just couldn't do it.  This story that was made into an amazing musical, which I LOVE, was once just a book I couldn't get through.  So, with all of that said, I am no longer thinking about the review in the same way.  I am very glad that she shared her opinion, whether I liked it or not.  I want to hear what people really think of my book.  I want to know what they liked and didn't like.  Without these comments I may not get better at telling my stories.  So, thank you to everyone who has shared their thoughts and comments.  I look forward to hearing more from my readers, both good AND bad!

No Doubt

While I write my new book I've been doubting whether or not the story is any good.  I've been forgetful and feeling scatter-brained lately and haven't been feeling confident in myself.  I had been reading different things that other authors do as they write so I thought that I would try it.  So the one I thought would be the most beneficial was the suggestion to not proof read the book until you are completely finished.  I thought, gee that might work since I did miss a bunch of grammatical errors in my first book.  I wrote through to Chapter 10 without really rereading much of it.
The result: DISASTER!!!
This process is totally not for me!  For a while I just kept thinking, "I'm not sure if I'm writing what I want or even what I'm supposed to be for my characters."  It was a terrible feeling to have.  I was desperate for an honest critique and handed my pages off to my friend to read.  Then I decided to go and reread everything starting from the beginning.  After reading it and making a few changes my attitude completely changed.  I felt so much better about the story and where it was going.  So much so, that I no longer needed to hear my friends review.  (Although I do love talking it over with her.)
My advice to other writers is: Choose the process that works for you.  No one can tell you how to write your stories but you and your characters.  If the process doesn't feel right then something's wrong. Find out what it is and change it. Never doubt the story that you are writing, for it is the story that you were meant to tell, whether people like it or not!

You're the Inspiration

I was just recently at a family gathering and was shocked to have someone say that I was an inspiration.  As always, because I am not one to take compliments well, I bashfully smiled and said "thank you."  I was completely floored that someone would think that I was inspirational.  It had to have been one of the most AMAZING compliments of my life!!!
I have never been one to think much of myself and usually don't like to be center of attention (i know some of you may find that hard to believe) so since I've written and published my book, I have had to get over that intimidation fairly quickly.  I really just wanted to tell a story and share it with people, I never thought that what I did would inspire anyone.  I never thought that writing a book would be so... I can't even think of the right word!  I have had people tell me that they were impressed and asked me how I found the time or  how was I able to it.  I guess I just thought that anyone could do it, even a full time mom with a full time retail job, like me.  Even with my awesome compliment I still don't think I'm anything special.  I'm just a girl that had a story to tell and told it.
I do want to thank Tammy again for the incredible compliment.  I love being a part of your family and having you all in my life!  Your words and love mean so much to me.

Buy My Book

Being an independent author seemed to be the best option for me. I am impatient and I don't do well with rejection, so publishing my book through Createspace killed two birds with one stone.  I wouldn't have to wait years for a publisher to agree to publish my book and no one would be able to say no to it if I did it myself.  All I had to do was write the book.  People think writing a book is hard (which it is), but trying to promote and sell one all by yourself is a hell of a lot harder!
I have done the whole social media thing, even tweeting, which I'm still not very good at.  I have started this blog, which has been the most fun out of all of this.  And I have begged friends and family to tell others about my book.   That should sell my books, right?  WRONG!  Now, granted, I have sold about 40 books now, which I am super excited about, but I really was hoping it would have been more.   This is where my impatience comes in.
I know I have to understand that I am a no name writer and this is my first book, and these things take time.  I guess I just want people to read it!
I've been asked about how much money I've made off the book.  Almost nothing, which is ok.  I'm not writing these stories for the money, I'm writing them for people to read.  I want them to be shared with others.  Is it exciting to see money go in to my account when I sell one?  Absolutely!  But to me the most exciting part is knowing that someone is reading one of my stories.
I've read different ways to get people to buy my book, most of them are by bribing the reader with fancy gifts, but that's not how I roll.  I want people to read my book because it looks interesting or because someone they know said it was a great read.  And I want people to write reviews that they mean, and not because I bought their opinions.  
I guess I just need to be patient and wait.  And hope like hell that my book will get into the hands of more people.  And while I wait, I will keep writing my stories and be grateful for every single time someone buys a copy of my book.
P.S. Thank you to everyone who has bought a copy, reviewed it and told a friend about it.  You guys ROCK!

Back To Me

I think I wanted to get a tattoo before I was even at the legal age, but never got one because I have issues with permanent decisions. LOL!  But last year for my birthday I finally did it!  I thought long and hard about what I wanted to have and where.  People have since questioned me about it and some have even teased me, but in the end I couldn't be happier with it.  

The whole process only took me about 20 years!  I was scared to get one because I didn't want to regret my choice in a year or two. If I did a picture or a name or even a symbol, would it be relevant to me in the future?  So I waited.  But last year was the year, the year of me.  I accomplished so many things for myself and I wanted to celebrate it.  So I sat down and drew a few designs, but still wasn't sure, and then it hit me.

Years ago I had written a poem and the last line of it (although the poem is about a different circumstance) just fit my life at that moment, so that was what I decided on.   I knew that having something that I had personally written would be relevant and have meaning forever.  The poem is actually about being strong enough to fight your way back to yourself.  In a way that was what I was doing last year.  Writing this book was a dream of mine that I had put on the back burner so that I could be a wife and mother.  I kind of lost who I was along the way.  You get lost in your roles of life and sometimes forget who you were.

This book is who I am and what I want to be doing.  I love that my kids were able to be part of the experience and see that you can make your dreams come true if you fight hard enough.  

So I will show off my tattoo and be proud of it and of myself.  I proved that I am strong enough to do the things I've dreamed of doing even though they may scare the shit out of me!  And that is why I named my second book Back To Me.  It was the perfect fit for the story.

Here is the poem in it's entirely:

Running

By Amy Heileman Ben-Kiki

I remember running into you

Our eyes met and my heart

Raced furiously from head to toe.

Your bright smile blinded me

from seeing anything

Other than you.

I remember running to you

When you said that you loved me.

These words deafened

Me from reason

And made me sense

What wasn't there.

I remember running with you

On the sun stroked beach.

The world disappeared

With the sensations of your lips.

The warmth that filled me

Took the chill from the air.

I remember running from you

When you raised an open fist.

Your jealous rage had

Thrown me to the ground and

Awoken me from a deep unconscious.

And I remember running back.....

                                            To Me.

Sex sells

When I originally started writing my first book, my intention was not to have detailed sex scenes.  But as I continued to read book after book, I noticed that all of them had sex scenes in them.  I mean romantic relationships and sex go hand in hand so why wouldn't the stories include them?  Yes, I could have written the story of Janie and Jake without the sex scenes, but to be able to share the passion, tenderness, and all the sensations you feel in those moments just adds to the story.  I guess you could say that they are added bonuses.  But isn't that what we all hope to find in a good romance novel?   And I am talking ROMANCE novels, NOT erotica. What's the difference?  Romance novels have a story, a plot, one that can be told without the sex.  Erotica is simply just about the sex.  I was talking to a friend about Cutting Through, and I had mentioned the shower scene.  She didn't remember details about it, but she could tell me details about the love story and characters.  I thought that was awesome, because it made me feel like the story overpowered the sex scenes to the point that you don't really remember them.
Romantic fiction is the largest selling fiction sub-genre, so I guess we know what that means.  Yup, women read more than men, and sex sells!